The stigma that follows me

Well, here I am again, wondering why I was the unlucky one in my family to be cursed with bipolar. Don't get me wrong, I have learnt to live with it, and am lucky enough to have found a doctor and psychologist who actually listen to me, and help me manage what can be a roller coaster of emotions at times.

So, this stigma I am talking about. I was called in to a meeting with my Team Leader at work to talk about my anxiety, and disclosed I had bipolar. Honestly, I thought she already knew, but there you go. She told me that she wanted to help me all she can, but as I work with the elderly who are dealing with their own anxieties, she needed to think about them as well. I understand all this, and in know way want to cause any harm to my clients, which is why I always try to have a smile on my face when I get to where I'm going. When I'm depressed it is a little bit harder to do, but for the sake of the client I manage. Anyway, I was told by my Team Leader that she would be cutting back my hours until my anxiety was under control (yep, that works) and we now have a weekly meeting to see where things stand. I had to cancel a client tomorrow due to my current low mood, but as that only put me at 2 hours (we get paid a minimum of 3 hours, so they schedule at least 3 hours work) so my other shift was cancelled as well. All good so far. Then I get next week's roster - 3 hours for the week, as I have to see my Dr on Wednesday morning. 3 hours!!!! How is that doing my anxiety any good? How is being at home for 7 days straight doing me any good? Am I going to slowly lose my job because I disclosed my mental illness? Does it count as discrimination, or do I just have to put up with it?

Now, I'm sure you all know that bipolar comes with highs and lows, with periods of being 'okay'. When my mood is elevated (my 'high') I'm an absolute pleasure to be around (so I have been told), but when my mood is low, not so much. When I'm 'okay', I'm not as much fun as when I'm 'high' but a hell of a lot more fun than when I'm 'low'. I have found that most people prefer the 'up' me more than the 'okay' me, and this does bother me a bit. I was once told "this is the Gretchen I like" ... well, I'm sorry, but Gretchen is a complex creature and I think I'm worthy of being liked in whatever mood I'm in. Of course, if you get Cranky Gretchen, I would forgive you for not liking me much, even I don't.

I don't often ask for help when I'm low, as I feel as if I am a burden to every single person I want to call. What I do is post not-so-positive stuff on Facebook, just so people know I'm not that well. I know I will get through it, and come out the other side all sparkly and shit, but it's hard to remember that at times.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if someone doesn't ask for help, if you notice that they aren't their usual selves, reach out, make sure they are okay.

Always remember ... it's ok to say you're not ok

It's okay to say