total confusion

Well well, he certainly knows how to confuse me doesn't he?

Had him visit me the other day, to look at my printer. (yes, we are still friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way) I must have learnt some self control because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and a kiss, and jump all over him, yet I did none of it. Guess he is one friend that can't give me any 'benefits' as my feelings are just too strong to cope with that.

Anyway, changed my message on msn yesterday, cos for some reason the phrase 'Save a horse, ride a cowboy' popped into my head. It was changed to 'wanna be my cowboy? ;)'
Later on, he popped up and said hi, then gidy up (i know, he can't spell extremely well but ya get that). Am I meant to take that the way it sounds/reads, or just as a friendly flirt? Hmmmmmm have to just not think again.

Bought a new cd last night, before work. Listened to Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' and dammit, he came to mind again. Why can't I go for a couple of hours without the thought of him invading my mind? Ughhhh maybe he's just meant to be there, but it's kind of fucking up any chance I have of finding someone else.

I mean, how do I find someone who can touch my soul the way he does? He knows what I think, sometimes before I even think it. There is nobody in this world who knows more about me than he does, and this is because we always had an easy time talking to each other. He's one of my best friends, and I never, ever meant to fall for him ... didn't want to. But damn, that wall came down when I was around him, still does. The only thing I don't mention when I'm around him is my feelings for him, but just like before, I'm sure he can see it in my eyes. And that is not something a lot of people can do, read me like a book I mean.

*note to self* don't think too much or you'll take a step backwards.